The Piper that writes the tune

Last time I indicated that I don’t regret that each time I start writing, thieves like ‘Chop Die’ are put on trial. But a friend called in to advise that I should give ‘Chop Die’ a breather.

He thought that since the “Executive tif man” shall, in principle, face the full weight of the law I, Private Eye, should, at least, let the potential goat in the dock of legal butchers to graze a lot more and longer, such that when the sword of justice eventually falls on him and the “Use paper” that he and cringing hangers-on laid their grubby fingers on, would have chewed the cud long enough; he would be in a position to regurgitate his loot and still keep some weight.

But my friend apparently forgot that ‘Chop Die’ is one hell of a Piper that knows how to write discordant tunes. He cuts the tragic figure of Chinua Achebe’s Onoka, Okonkwo’s loafer, albeit debtor of a father in his celebrated novel, ‘things Fall Apart’. Remember that Onoka was a chronic debtor who never paid; he was lazy. He waited for others to sweat it out for him to “chop awuf”.

Onoka was this guileful master piper who not only wrote but effectively played tunes. ‘Chop Die’, like Onoka, is a paragon of elocution. ‘Chop Die’, it must be stated, can easily push one into drinking hem-lock.

He is a fine tune writer who can literally serve you with deadly sweet pep talk, attend your funeral and weep like a crocodile. He is a critic with a difference, in that he does so while eating the baby’s food and robbing the dying and the dead.

But, lest I forget my friend’s advice and get carried away by ‘Chop Die’s antecedents, ‘Chop Die’ is so wily, slippery as mud fish. Whereas 50 men are known to have sat on a dead man’s chest, ‘Chop Die’ once sat on a dying man’s chest, all by and on his own, drinking a choice bottle of rum, while the dying man begged and whimpered. Check the old tune…

“Fifty men on a dead man’s chest,

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum

Drink and the devil hath done for the
rest,

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum…’ Check
out court records if you doubt me.

His strategy then, just like now, was securing protracted adjournments; buying court time for the sting to wear off. How this serial cheat murders sleep! But hey!

This time around, I, Private Eye will have this intelligent bandit regurgitate his loot in the public square; he will have to go hand over all of Caesar’s accumulated taxes that he has evaded for decades, yet, keeps criticizing the poor Caesar. Play time is over!

Let us revisit this pen-pushing chore and try to see which Piper spoon-feeds certain yellow rags. Let’s see how it is that our so called media is in dire need of corrective surgery.

You could have knocked me down with a feather last week after I inadvertently stumbled on the crap that certain prospective ‘Chop Dies’ in ‘acada’ robes scribbled for one of the Iscariots to print, “scoop, line and sinker” in return for a small starvation fee. Lest we forget, Private Eye believes in ‘acada’ circles, forming pen pushers such that they can report with rigorous vitality.

We expect them collaborating with their confreres of communication component to crusade against such sprawling media that have become unwittingly vicious social tools. Private At the risk of rambling, let me vouchsafe this:

The courts of the land, like ‘Chop Dies’ would love them to be, are practically bursting at the seams with cases related to corruption. The reason is simple; corruption is fighting back.

And I suspect that it is because there is no time frame in the nation’s statute books to complete the trial of corruption suspects. In which case, both the economy and the human rights of suspects are negatively affected.

Why are most cases of corruption adjourned sine die? Why are they allowed to last for donkey years? Why are certain apparent baobabs of the regime that have been indicted by the National Anti-corruption Commission, CONAC, still holding public office, perpetrating their empire years after they were cleared to face trial for looting the public till?

Private Eye suspects or smells a situation whereby, those who have looted sufficiently are simply allowed to financially manipulate the system to stay on in office.

They are the ones generating all sorts of preliminary objections in courts, with the use of sharp lawyers of course, to stultify court procedure. Both they and the palpable lack of motivated judges are exposing the legal system to ridicule.

And now, to the almighty wielders of the vicious weapon of power, just like the lawyers that represent persons accused of looting the common till: Build courts, equip them and encourage judges to modernize court process; plus, lawyers should dump frivolous excuses for filthy lucre.

If your client is guilty, have the courage to say so and give the nation a break. Avoid feeding on filthy lucre.

The struggle definitely continues!