Letter from Buea to Yaounde

Dear Ngwa,

Thank you for the usual big book. I appreciate it, when you employ such unusual lingo to deal with the nattering nabobs of negativism; such nabobs as have decided to take the rest of us hostage, even just by singing their way into the Damascus of the man who claims to have donated his democracy to the rest of us, but who, alas, ended up converting from P..l to Saul, instead of vice versa.

Ngwa, our “Grand katika for Ngola”, as Lapiro of blessed memory would put it, is in a class of his own. Take it or leave it. He gets everyone else singing for their supper; to the extent, he is deified even when strict issues of governance come into play.

See how honourable members of the “C” clan sang like larks at the opening of this your “up for grabs” wealth confab that professes to be common only on the paper on which it is craftily written. He sat there, grinning from ear to ear like a big girl.

But hey! I fear for the “frogs” who croaked their way into Shakespeare’s own mode of expression, only to be rudely reminded by their paymaster that that language is, to say the least, taboo in this so-called land of promise. Did you see how he corrected them when he croaked off his speech in Moliere’s language? Scandal, Ngwa!

Did you also notice the organisational lapses that resulted in the mainly English-speaking audience calling for headphones, just so they could follow the croaking of the Lion frog? Did the organisers not foresee the diplomatic faux pas to make advanced democratic arrangements for head phones to ease translation?

I tell you, Ngwa, I haven’t felt as embarrassed of recent like I felt when that common “njangi” was being served for those at your end to chop. And yet, the cheer-leaders were at it; screaming and hollering after the “yabis”, as if to say, our Lion Man has a way of demystifying your common wealth; of changing your so-called big money into mere “change”. In the local lingo back here, we call it “chang-chang” and we use it to buy candy and other sweets, or why not, bon bon.

Lest I forget, besides the prestige of hosting this wealth that has hardly ever gotten into the common pocket, what else do we stand to gain from this hosting, Ngwa? How many of you, the so called Ambazonians benefit from their “string attached” scholarships? Tell me, what contribution this common thing has given to the tarring of the Kumba-Mamfe or Ring Road, since we were force-fed with it in 1995.

I hope you won’t mind me suggesting that this land of shrimps and “janga” has pumped in more, in terms of cash, hosting this jamboree than reaping any palpable economic advantages from the wealth of the rich which we are called upon to sustain in the name of Commonwealth.

I got this sad news from your end the other day. These Haram devils ought to be decently castrated, if we had the means; don’t you think? To hear that they have been working on these poor Chibok girls! God forbid! You can now see that these creatures, if at all they qualify to be addressed as such, are serving Lucifer himself, even as they cry out loudest about God.

To imagine that they have been causing the poor girls to “grow fatter”! Shame to the primitive zealots!

Ngwa, if the only way of stopping these sub humans from wreaking the unprintable havoc that they are now wreaking on decent God’s people is by castrating them, then, let this be done. Enough is enough!

A little bird told me that the dastardly things were only taking their revenge on certain members of the killing clan by kidnapping a handful and slaughtering off others? Be that as it may, we hail our valiant forces that are perfectly armed without being harmed, for the wonderful job of fleeting the place of these pests.

As for those who compromise the common good by running with the hares and hunting with the dogs, I say, and I insist that when the hour of reckoning will come, as it sure will, I shall not carry any placard. I shall not spoil for a sweetheart, any “reme-nga” for that matter, to be brought back.

Do not say that I told you this, because the beasts may want to take revenge, by working on someone’s old project , who, by all means, not experienced any monthly shining moon, to grow fatter…just like they are doing to Chibok damsels.

Greet your body for me!

Sincerely,

Mbella