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Beer Jokes

The "Beer Me" Diet

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Enjoy your next beer!

It seems that a lot of people
are dieting recently, trying everything from an
all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another
suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the
"Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every
time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer
has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the
part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT:
The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200
calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the
medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me"
diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women,
and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in
beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out
almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen
including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast
walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case
may be).

FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you
sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added
rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced
in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad
diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How
did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for
lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you
have to sneak out and run home.

FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet
is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your
required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some
aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart
attacks.

FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food
until you have consumed at least half of the day's required
beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body
a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends,
quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach
crunches.

FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars,
where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for
example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing
members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize
your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus
using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even
get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is
newer to the diet plan than yourself.

FACT: Beer is
cheaper than Jenny Craig.

Based on these facts, let's run
through a given scenario for diet implementation.


CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted
during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.


MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a
slob.

FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store
and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin
the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all
day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that
you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it
involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you
have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY
(p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still
not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you."
This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less
than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel
hungry.

SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day.
This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it
can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some
major professional sport being played every day of the year
except the day before and the day after the Major League
All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day
should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to
peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are
feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.


MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and
surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin
preparation for the upcoming weekend.

Happy dieting.